Tale of Two Houses - Do as I say, not as I do

In the interest of full disclosure - I did not come up with the facts of these houses myself. But all editorial comment and fairy tale crap was produced my own, gunpowder stained, hands.

Once upon a time there were two men. One was a world leader in fighting Global Warming, This man made an Oscar winning movie to scare little children into giving up modern technology in favor of third world status. He also won a Nobel Peace Prize (He beat out a woman who helped saved countless Jewish children during WWII -- but forget about that for now).

The other was an EEV-VIILL Oilman. This man helped to pollute the air by producing oil and gas to power American industry and prosperity. This man raped the land for profit and helped drive a poor little bird the Feathery Butted Nut Scratcher (I claim poetic license) to the edge of extinction. This man also disrupted the Zen of the Earth by being a Fighter Pilot in the military the John 'the forehead' Kerry likened to Ghengis Khan (even though he could not pronouce it, being from MA and all -- and the hell with Rather's forged documents to the attempting to prove the contrary).

How can we more fully understand how the minds of these two men work? They are truly polar opposites, all would agree. (BTW, the ice caps are melting on both poles, thereby raising sea levels and threatening global something or other...... but, I digress) We could listen to their words (though the Oil man is sometimes hard to follow, his grasp of the spoken word and the English language being a bit....suspect). Or, we could watch their movies (Not fair - only one has made a movie -- unless you count all those way cool bombing videos from Iraq). No, this will not do. We need to compare something tangible, something concrete. Something that shows how they ACTUALLY live - not just what they proclaim to believe.

I know, boys and girls, let's look at their houses. Because, as we all know, good stewardship of the planet (I need to add that to my list of words I do not like) begins at home. Surely, these men's true colors will be revealed by looking at the houses they live in. Won't this be fun? (Clapping and cheering soundtrack). Let's use an analysis of their houses to test our hypothesis that the good man will have a good house, and the bad man will have a bad house. First, though, I need to explain 'hypothesis' to the Liberals in the audience. (This is needed because, as we all know, Liberals are driven by 'feelings' - not by analytical thought.)A hypothesis is part of the scientific method. Let us review the scientific method:

The steps of the scientific method are to:

Ask a Question - For instance - Is man responsible for Global Warming
Construct a Hypothesis - Like - Yes, he is. He is making too much CO2.
Test Your Hypothesis - Can't do an experiement, so lets make a computer model (Though ours left our water vapor and the effects of the SUN - I am not joking)
Analyze Your Data - Our model says the earth should be warming, but it isn't. Not for the last 10 years - even cooled .7 degrees last year.
Draw your Conclusion - The computer model was crappola. (To be accurate - this does not, in and of itself, disprove global warming)
Communicate Your Results - Don't hold your breath waiting to here this on CNN, CBS, NBC, etc.
Formulate a New Hypothesis - Man made global warming is B-S. Analyze THAT.

Okay - back to our lesson, children. In our case - the question is 'Will a 'good' man live a more responsible way than an 'evil' one? Our hypothesis is 'yes, he will'. Our test will be looking at the houses of these men. Let's do that, shall we?

HOUSE # 1: A 20-room mansion (not including 8 bathrooms) heated by natural gas. Add on a pool (and a pool house) and a separate guest house all heated by gas. In ONE MONTH ALONE this mansion consumes more energy than the average American household in an ENTIRE YEAR. The average bill for electricity and natural gas runs over $2,400.00 per month. In natural gas alone (which last time we checked was a fossil fuel), this property consumes more than 20 times the national average for an American home. This house is not in a northern or Midwestern "snow belt," either. It's in the South.

HOUSE # 2: Designed by an architecture professor at a leading national university, this house incorporates every "green" feature current home construction can provide. The house contains only 4,000 square feet (4 bedrooms) and is nestled on arid high prairie in the American southwest. A central closet in the house holds geothermal heat pumps drawing ground water through pipes sunk 300 feet into the ground. The water (usually 67 degrees F.) heats the house in winter and cools it in summer. The system uses no fossil fuels such as oil or natural gas, and it consumes 25% of the electricity required for a conventional heating/cooling system. Rainwater from the roof is collected and funneled into a 25,000 gallon underground cistern. Wastewater from showers, sinks and toilets goes into underground purifying tanks and then into the cistern. The collected water then irrigates the land surrounding the house. Flowers and shrubs native to the area a blend the property into the surrounding rural landscape.

So, is our hypothesis correct? First, we will put names to these two men. I know, some of you already guessed - you are SUCH clever children. But, for those of you that went to public school:

The good man is Al Gore
The evil man is George W. Bush.

Now, if you thought that house #1 - the energy guzzler, belonged to George W. Bush -- you are WRONG. (I know - I just damaged your self-esteem. Let me share this with you - I don't care - wrong is wrong).

The porcine dwelling belongs to the renowned environmentalist, Nobel Prize winner, Uber Film maker, and all around Paragon of all that is noble, Al 'do as I say, not as I do' Gore.

The energy efficient house (the 'green' house - another for my list of words) does, in fact, belong to that ex-oilman, Halilburton lackey, mumble-tongued, and all around C-Student (oh wait - so was Al) --- none other than George W. Bush!!!

Are you suprised? Shocked? Befuddled? Well, you should not be.

Because you see, children, the moral of the story is this - Liberals never want to live in the world that they have planned for you. And Conservatives (even marginal, 'compassionate' ones) - just do the right thing - even when no one is looking.